Levi Johnston Is Broke, You Guys
Break out the generic, supermarket-brand tissues, people, cuz Levi Johnston, famous knocker-upper of professional abstinence hypocrite Bristol Palin, is flat broke.
The Thrilla from Wasilla managed to blow through the $1 million from his 2010 Playgirl shoot on "guns, boats and four-wheelers," according to US Weekly, which also reported that Levi hasn't paid child support in two years. For the rec, Levi, the proper answer to how you blew $1 million is
"90% of it I spent on booze and whores, and the rest of it I just kind of wasted."
Since planting a seed in the fertile Palin soil, Johnston has gone on to have an uh-oh with another woman (you know what would solve this? Some sort of vibrating pendant reminding everybody about birth control), in addition to hiring Tank Jones, a personal bodyguard/image consultant, who reported having to tamp down on Levi's frequent homophobic outbursts. Jones and Johnston have since parted ways, miraculously with neither of them pregnant.
Anyhoo, our anti-gay baby rifle is now living with his mother in Wasilla, and—and this is pure speculation on my part—pouring Goldschlager in his cereal. Bristol, meanwhile, has a burgeoning career being cynical even for a reality TV star. How's three-year-old Tripp? None of the articles (1) I read on Levi's brokeness bothered to find out, which says about as much about the family values of Wasilla, AK, as you need to know. Won't someone please think of the children?