Online comment-writers to get own internet
17-05-12
A NEW internet is to be
created for people who like writing comments, so everyone else can enjoy
surfing the web without their torrents of bile.
This man's extensive masturbation experience makes him a font of knowledge
The new web, dubbed ‘Masturnet’ after users’ penchant for literal and
metaphorical self-indulgence, will be just pictures of things with the
question ‘Why do you hate this?’ underneath.
Google-built algorithms will reward commenters by adding random
numbers of Facebook Likes or retweets, giving users the false impression
that they’re not just screaming their repugnant semi-literate vitriol
into an ocean of white noise.
Paid moderators will occasionally pretend to be the celebrities or
writers that are being commented on, appearing ‘below the line’ while
acting chastened and educated by the commenters’ wise words.
Meanwhile normal people will be able to enjoy sending worthwhile
messages and watching iPlayer dinosaur documentaries on a much faster
version of the good internet.
Tom Booker of the Better Internet Federation said: “The internet is
the greatest advance in human culture of the last 30 years, so why must
it be dominated by geeks purple with fury about a review that lowered
the overall score of Avengers Assemble on Metacritic?
“We considered various options, including simply sawing off the
bottom half of the internet and dumping it at sea, but this seemed the
most humane.”
Following the announcement, regular Mail Online commenter Vajazzle81
wrote: “GIPSYS get mi TAXES for FREE HOUSES & EUSSR traitors shud
HANG & Kim Kardashian is a FAT BITCH.”
Daily Mash
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