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Saturday, May 12, 2012

The Bible is a Concealed Weapon or What IS That Bulge?

The Bible is a Concealed Weapon    

1. Shaving your beard or round haircuts (i.e. bowl cuts, surfer cuts). How ironic that this was a style common to the Romans. Reference Leviticus 19:27, "Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard."    


2. Masturbation or even pulling out. Reference Genesis 38:9-10: "And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also."



3. Eating pork. No ham sandwiches or bacon for you. Reference Leviticus 11:8, which is discussing pigs, reads "Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you."

 4. Football. Same verse as above. You're not even supposed to touch the old pigskin.




5. Tattoos. None, period. Reference Leviticus 19:28, "Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD."



6. Divorce. Mark 10:8-9, "And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."




7. Getting married again after getting divorced, just for a little extra smiting. Mark 10:11-12, "And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery."




 8. Fortune telling. No 900 numbers or horoscopes. Leviticus 19:31 reads "Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the LORD your God."  Guess what happens if you break that one? Exile. Leviticus 20:6: "And the soul that turneth after such as have familiar spirits, and after wizards, to go a whoring after them, I will even set my face against that soul, and will cut him off from among his people."





 9. Polyester or mixed fabrics. What are you wearing right now? Is it 100% cotton? Maybe I'll just stick with leather. Leviticus 19:19 reads, "Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee."



10. Wearing gold or even braiding our hair. 1 Timothy 2:9, "In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array."


11. Being a bastard. Yep, even if you're great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather was one. Deuteronomy 23:2, "A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD."




 13. Shellfish such as shrimp, clams, lobster. Leviticus 11:10, "And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you."



 14. Gossiping. Better stop reading the Enquirer or spreading lies about...oh, let's see...Obama? Leviticus 19:16, "Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbour: I am the LORD."

 15. Working in the Sabbath. It's a rather harsh punishment also. Exodus 31:14, "Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death: for whosoever doeth any work therein, that soul shall be cut off from among his people."



 16. Hey women, better shut your mouth while in church. 1 Corinthians 14:34-35, "Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church."



17. Sex before marriage. Deuteronomy 22:20-21, "But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you."



And Thank You Mr. President.

1 comment:

  1. BRILLIANT, HYSTERICAL and TRUE!!!! E.L

    ReplyDelete